Updates

Home, unpacked, and resting 😊

All my blood levels came back normal and my WBC is elevated but that's to be expected. This means my immune system is protected and I get to see my kiddos for my birthday!

First day of the fifth cycle! This will be my 9th treatment. Feeling healthy and strong.

Sometimes I blink just to prove to myself that large gaps of time don't pass in a single blink of an eye.

When I'm present and conscious, I'm really here - feeling everything, noticing everything, being alive in ways that feel brand new. These moments are so vivid, clear, and precious.

But then the fatigue hits or the chemo fog rolls in, and suddenly it's three days later and I don't know where they went. I surface and realize entire days have passed while I was resting, recovering, letting my body do what it needs to do.

It's strange but I'm learning to accept both. The hyper-present moments where I'm soaking up every detail, and the foggy stretches where time just moves without me fully tracking it.

I'm learning to hold onto those clear moments when they come, and to be gentle with myself during the quiet gaps. Both are part of this journey, and both are teaching me something about what it means to truly live.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." - Psalm 90:12

These 45 minutes of the Neulasta OnPro delivering my meds somehow seems more tedious than chemo itself. It doesn't feel good going in, and it really does push my bones to their max.

My iron levels are staying up and my heart echo came back normal! Infusions today went smoothly.

Today I realized my birthday is in a handful of days, and I started crying.

For years, I couldn't see my life past 30. It wasn't dramatic or poetic - I just couldn't see making it to 31. I thought maybe I was broken for not being able to plan ahead, but now I know why. Without treatment, I wouldn't have made it this far.

What a difference a year makes. Last year at 30, I was dying and didn't even know it yet. This year at 31, I'm actively fighting and winning. I'll have my 9th round of life-saving chemo two days before my birthday. Nine times I've shown up and done the hard thing. Nine times I've chosen to fight for the future I can finally see again.

The emotions hit all at once - grief for the version of me who was dying without knowing it, gratitude that I'm still here, and honestly some fear because now I got something precious back - my life. But mostly? I feel ALIVE. Last year I worried whether I'd see my next birthday. This year, I feel excited for the future.

Turning 31 means I get to keep growing up. I get to build the life I want and be here for my kids as they grow.

This is the birthday I didn't think I'd have. I'm grateful to be here to see it.

Love, Kayla

P.S. My dad's mom (my Gigi) wore a red button like this for nearly two decades. In 2008 she was diagnosed with stage 4 small cell lung cancer and the doctors gave her six months to live. She asked for them to try to treat it, and they threw everything they had at her cancer. She went through chemo and radiation three times over the course of a decade. She lived another 17 years after her prognosis of six months. I wear this button in honor of her fight, and because cancer sucks.

I'm undercover for Halloween. Gotta lay low

Hope everyone has a spooky and safe Halloween tomorrow! Someone save me some treats

Five Finger Death Punch

When you find a fallen eyelash, place it on your finger, make a wish, and blow it away.

Lots of potential wishes this week as my eyelashes and eyebrows are starting to fall out at an increasing rate. Do I get to wish on eyebrow hairs too? LOL